Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Episode 23 - Ghost Rider (2007)

The thing about podcasts is sometimes they're true, and this week the guys truly went to hell and back watching Ghost Rider (2007).

Why is Eva Mendes acting like she has the mind of a three-year-old in this movie? Is this movie just messing with us by saying stuff like "demons can't go on holy ground" and cutting to a bunch of demons going to church? Why isn't Nicholas Cage as Ghost Rider a sure-fire recipe for movie gold?

I was going to finish the rest of this blog entry, but this is as far as I go. From here out, you're on your own or whatever. Welp. See ya!

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Episode 22 - Batman Returns (1992)

Enter into our Clown-Bird-Ice-Lair and help us flush it and flaunt it as the guys watch 1992's Christmas classic, Batman Returns.

Why does this movie have a bigger budget than the first one but only one set? You meet a psycho-murderer crime boss who's very sensitive about his bird-like deformities and all you think to do is give him a raw fish like he's a seal? Is this entire movie just an extended meditation on oppression by, and aspiring to, authority?

In all seriousness though? As great as Michelle Pfeiffer's performance as Catwoman is, there is way more going on around her in this movie than we noticed in 1992. It's worth a rewatch just for the meticulous deconstruction of patriarchy and feminism in her arc.

Honestly, want an in-depth exploration this movie's othering of femaleness and its subsequent violent reaction in the context of a heteronormative society? Check out this episode! Want jokes? That's here too! But you're probably better off with our Power Rangers episode, maybe. Just a warning.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Episode 21 - Thor (2011)

The guys test their Thorthiness and see if they are equal to the task of lifting the mighty Marvel mintroduction-to-characters-that-will-be-important-in-a-later-movie, Thor (2011).

Does this movie hold the worst line reading, of the worst line, in the history of cinematic entertainment? What are the mechanics of Mjolnir; like if I put a brick on the gas pedal of a truck and sent it at Thor's hammer, could the truck move it, not being a sentient object? I'm sorry Anthony, what did you say is the central theme to this film?

It is my job guard the entrance to this episode... but I may forsake mine sworn oath and let you listen to it. If you are worthy. Or if he to whom I owe fealty is shown to be corrupt. Or if I am not in the mood to guard things. Or if you ask nicely. Or forcefully. Whatever.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Episode 20 - The Amazing Spider-Man (1977)

Get ready kids, cause this ain't yer Daddy's Spider-Man! Oh wait, actually it is. Reboot nothing, we're watching The Amazing Spider-Man! Of the seventies!

Were the people in the seventies so laissez-faire with personal safety they were just handing out flamethrowers and had EMTs just standing there to watch car crash victims suffer? Where does this tv movie get off having one of the most spectacular stunts we've seen in a superhero film to date? And what's a guy gotta do to borrow $46 around here?

Wealth and fame/ He's ignored./ Action is/ probably too much excitement. Pack up your allergy pills, Spider-fans! It's time for some web-slinging, slow-moving, cult-joining, mighty meandering Marvel action!

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Episode 19 - V for Vendetta (2005)

Good evening London. I thought it time we had a little talk. Are you sitting comfortably? Good. It's about 2005's V for Vendetta- wait, come back!

Is it possible to adapt a story with one very specific political message and graft it to another message entirely? On the other hand, is it possible to do that and lead to a better ending than the original book? Are we bearing witness to the most tacked-on love interest plot in the history of Hollywood film?

Happiness is a prison, dear listeners, and in that prison we may be forever denied a great adaptation of one of Alan Moore's books.

But this is probably as close as we've got, so put on your Anonymous masks and wiki who Guy Fawkes was just like the screenwriters did. Let's get into this thing.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Episode 18 - Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)

The No Time for Heroics podcast welcomes comics artist Paul Tucker of IDW's new series Tet to help them draw up some escape plans after getting trapped inside the labyrinthine puzzle box that is Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie.

Are synchronized backflips really the most practical way to get around? Is it possible to be racist against robots? How can some sticks be so dang memorable? (Answer: It's cause they stick... in your head. Laughter.)

CG monsters and robots are out there. They're in your movies, and they want to entertain. But today, one in three podcast hosts suffers from Anthony's Disease, and is physically unable to see horrible CG effects.

If you or someone you know is living with Anthony's Disease, and you'd like to know how you can catch it too, please enjoy this episode.

Also, enjoy Tet from IDW, illustrated by this week's guest Paul Tucker and written by Paul Allor! You can find out more here, or pick it up at Comixology.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Episode 17 - Supergirl (2015)

It's our most current episode ever, as the guys check out the series that HE told us to watch with the first two episodes of the newly released Supergirl television series!

Where do all these crabby humans and inept spies get off telling a super-being how to be super? Is it that big a stretch that a girl could be good at things? Why is it considered blasphemy to say 'Superman'? Can one charismatic lead in a killer outfit, and a pack of incredible action scenes, carry an entire series?

There's an awful lot of weight given to male pronouns in this series about a woman. But it's okay,cause HE told us this series would be good. And if anyone knows good it's HIM. That's just what HIM does. You know HE, cause HIM good and great as HE heroic deeds suggest. 

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Episode 16 - The Meteor Man (1993)

When does Hulktober come to a close so we can at long last talk about 1993's The Meteor Man? Now. NOW!

The guys take on Robert Townsend's ambitious but failed magnum opus of inner city vigilantism.

Is blowing coke all over some drug dealers enough of a punishment for their crimes? Do all street gangs really just move around as one block of 40 plus guys and a pet tiger? Is the neighbourhood really that better off now that the Bloods and Crips have a small arsenal of machine guns?

Now all I want to do is see a fight between the Baby Lords and some Baby Lordes. They could just go down to the Tennis Court or whatever kids do nowadays. Whoever wins, you have to admit the results would be funky.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Episode 15 - Hulktober Cartoon Cavalcade

It's the pulse-pounding conclusion to Hulktober 2015, and our Gamma-Engorged heroes are taking a trip though the Hulk's animated history!

Hulk '66: A Titan Rides a Train

It's the strangest commute of all! In the '60s, there wasn't a lot of animating happening in tv animation. What was happening was lots of visualized sound effects, and the greatest nerdlinger that ever lived.

Hulk '82: The Tomb of the Unknown Hulk

This episode has it all, Stan Lee narration, Hulk fighting army guys, Hulk tying Doctor Octopus' arms in knots, and a Mexican stereotype taking out an army of Nazis with black pepper and Mexican cooking.

Hulk '96: Fashion Warriors

In the nineties, they wanted Hulk to be more accessible for young girls, and what did forty-year-old-men-think girls want to see? BIKINI FASHION SHOW. But it's totally okay that these cartoon women spend then entire episode posing in their underwear folks, because they're all accomplished scientists or whatever. Glass ceiling be damned! Wait, wasn't there a Hulk in this show?

Hulktober comes to a puny, Bannerly end with some of the most questionable appearances ol' Jade Jaws ever made for the Saturday morning set. Back to your regularly scheduled No Time for Heroics next week!

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Episode 14 - The Incredible Hulk (2008)

The Green Goliath roars into the extended Marvel cinematic universe in Ed Norton's 2008 love letter to the classic tv series, the Incredible Hulk!

Was it necessary to have a sexy Hulk who is both the colour of, and shredded like, lettuce? What are the logistics of the US Military using a Russian-Polish commando on loan from the British? And why have we had two movies about Hulk fighting clouds but exactly zero with the gamma bomb?

We don't want to control this podcast. We don't want to use it. We just want to get rid of it or else the military might use it as a weapon. Of course if they ARE using it as a weapon? Whatever, we're good.

Enjoying Hulktober? Come talk about it on the facebook page!

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Episode 13 - Hulk (2003)

Greetings puny listeners!

It's issue two of Hulktober 2015 and the guys are buried up their eyeballs in non-diegetic comic panels and effects flying across the screen in director Ang Lee's somewhat bloated 2003 meditation on rage and fatherhood which is called and could be described as "Hulk".

What is the difference between adapting a story and adapting a medium? How many writers does it take to screw up a script? Is there anything more pleasant than watching a giant green man in purple pants fight a battalion of tanks? Why are trees?

Guys, forget about the bomb. It's '60s genetic engineering you've really got to fear, complete with the awesome might of its gamma irradiated mushroom cloud. OF MEMORIES.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Episode 12 - The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988)

No Time for Heroics wishes you a Smashing HULKTOBER First!

Every week this month the No Time for Heroics podcast will feature a different Hulk movie to celebrate superherodom's favorite monster in the lead up to Halloween.

This week, we revisit the tv movie that revisits the classic live-action series starring Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno, The Incredible Hulk Returns!

Do tech companies just pass out laboratories to suspicious drifters with no past and a degree in radiobiology? What's more embarrassing, having to scream ODIN every now and then or being caught passed out wearing nothing but torn pants in your girlfriend's flower bed? Is Thor right that terrible, eternal, waking death is preferable to being in this movie?

Join the No Time for Heroics podcast as we go green for only the first in a four part jade giant-sized spectacular with the first episode of Hulktober!

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Episode 11 - The Shadow (1994)

This week the guys learn that the weed of crime bears bitter fruit... and the bitterest fruit of all is that this is the only version of The Shadow we've got in recent years. Which is a crime.

How many times can villain tell the hero they are two sides of the same coin in a single movie? Are there readily available chemical tests to identify mythical metals? Did we just think this movie was bad in the early '90s because we just expected more from our movies back then?

Dip in to the evil within your own black heart, and tell us what you think of 1994's The Shadow over on the No Time for Heroics facebook page! Or what you think about us on iTunes. Or what Ian McKellen thinks about accidentally inventing the atomic bomb (he thinks it's "impressive work". Jeesh.)

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Episode 10 - My Secret Identity (1988)

Better than your imagination! More than a dream come true! Without the slightest bit of hesitation, it's our tenth episode, featuring a return to our childhoods (well, probably more like a regression) to watch the 1988 television show My Secret Identity, starring Jerry O'Connell.

Is making fresh water out of air and bacon really helping solve problems with drought? Do Canadian gangs really resolve all conflict with grudging mutual understanding? Are ALL guys named Andrew this smart, noble, handsome, talented, and brave?

If you need us, we're trying to recreate this awesome kid's bedroom by scattering Godzilla toys and Marvel comics everywhere. If we ever come out again, you can reach us on the facebook page.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Episode 9 - Hellboy (2004)

The guys muster more enthusiasm than the main character in this week's movie ever did and dive kicking and screaming into 2004's Hellboy!

How is it possible to be so blasé about an awesome squiddy demon fight? When is a ton of blade spinning too much blade spinning? Is it necessary to tell us you're in an abandoned subway area after you walk into what is clearly an abandoned subway area following a title card that says "abandoned subway area"?

2004's Hellboy, huh? Eh. Alright I guess. This is gonna hurt in the morning. Boom. There I did it. Whatever.

PS: If you love Hellboy, go tell us how wrong we were on our Facebook page!

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Episode 8 - Captain America II: Death Too Soon (1979)

NOTE: The audio gets a bit chawed up for about two minutes into this episode for reasons unknown. It gets better though, trust us.

This week our heroes are inspired to hotbox a van and paint pictures of cats by the Living Legend of World War II in 1979's Captain America II: Death Too Soon.

Are you still a hero if you're the one putting the little old lady in danger? Why are those guys just stacking bags of flour in the middle of a shootout? And I know this was the 70s, but can you still get sweet Jonathan Livingston Seagull vans?

Hail Hydra? No, not even a hearty one. Look, to be honest this movie almost broke us, okay? I'm going to go get a cold bath and sleep it off for 70 years or so. Catch you on the reboot.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Episode 7 - Iron Man (2008)

We AM Iron Man (2008) as the No Time for Heroics podcast takes a trip back to the beginning of the Marvel age of movies to see what all the fuss was about.

Is the first half of this movie just "ISIS: Behind the Music"? Did the screenwriter(s) have a bone to pick with America, or just with Marvel Comics? And can we please just have a movie of Robert Downey Jr, Jeff Bridges, and Gwyneth Paltrow hanging out and bantering for three hours?

Andrew and Anthony were able to RECORD this podcast IN A CAVE! With a box of SCRAPS of pizza. And nothing else. It was mostly crusts; we were really hungry. Embarrassing things were said. We're both pretty sorry.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Episode 6 - The Punisher (1989)

This week the guys fail to do adequate Dolph Lundgren impressions while watching his low-budget 1989 Marvel Comics adaptation The Punisher!

If it makes you cool when a house explodes behind you while you walk away, does the house exploding twice make you doublecool? What if you're inside the exploding house. Is that cool or just unsafe? Also, how sweet was it when that annoying kid got decked? (Pretty sweet.)

Come on God answer us! Why did you send this movie when so many others go unwatched? Is it so we could watch it thinking it was junk but then be totally surprised by how awesome it was when Punisher shot that one guy? Cause if so, thanks man, we owe you a solid.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Episode 5 - Batman (1989)

Gentlemen! Let's broaden our minds!

Pack your grappling hooks in with all your other wonderful toys, because on this episode our dynamic duo dives headfirst into a boiling vat of Tim Burton's Batman!

Did Batman kill more people than the Joker over the course of this movie? Is Vicki Vale only investigating Bruce Wayne because he's constantly assaulting her? Is this sleek, jet-powered Batmobile so perfect as to replace the Condorman car chase in our hearts? And what the heck does "never rub another man's rhubarb" mean anyway?

Find out the answers to most of those (Rhubarb... still no idea.) and more as the guys talk entirely too much about Batman! Relax, enjoy, just whatever you do, don't try to slightly turn your head to the side.

PLUS! We're not going to kill you. We want you to tell all your friends about us. What are we? On facebook!

Editor's Note: We record these weeks in advance, but just before this episode came out, we got word that the Baltimore Batman himself, Leonard Robinson, died in a car accident.

If you haven't heard of him, Leonard built himself a screen-accurate Batman costume and went around to children's hospitals visiting sick kids, and giving away up to $25,000 in Batman toys, t-shirts and comics to them every year, out of his own pocket.

You know those "Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman" memes going around a while back? Leonard Robinson decided he could be Batman. And he made the world a better place for it.

This episode is for Leonard.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Episode 4 - Superman and the Mole Men (1951)

This week the guys exhibit powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men by stepping back to watch the movie that introduced George Reeves' iconic take on the original superhero, 1951's Superman and the Mole Men!

 Shouldn't there be more Superman in this Superman movie? Why is this little girl playing with a bowling ball in bed? Will actors, writers, and artists ever get out from under the shadow of the genre-defining, archetypal George Reeves Superman?

Find out as we dig down deeper than man was meant to delve and break through the crust into the hollow centre of Superman and the Mole Men!

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Episode 3 - Spider-Man 2 (2004)

Hey spider-fans! This week the guys somehow compare Sam Raimi's 2004 blockbuster Spider-Man 2 to forgotten Martin Short vehicle Pure Luck and legendary civil rights activist Malcolm X.

Do talking robot arms necessarily have to be good at nuclear physics? Can you make a co-star act by just acting really hard right at them? Will Andrew ever be able to watch Evil Dead 2 again?

Find out as our heroes revisit this movie over ten years after its release, all while trying to maintain some semblance of a normal life!

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Episode 2 - Condorman (1981)

In this week's episode, our heroes bring the dip, if you'll bring the Dostoyevsky, and rediscover 1981's Condorman, starring Michael Crawford.

How much money is in the CIA's defection budget? Are we approaching the singularity when all superheroes become James Bond? And has there ever been a better car chase scene than the one in this movie?

No. There hasn't. But find out the rest of that stuff and more as the guys order the triple Istanbul Express and take on Condorman!

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Episode 1 - The Phantom (1996)

In this episode we take a stroll with the Ghost that Walks, and enjoy(?) the 1996 film The Phantom starring Billy Zane.

Can a movie have a scene with a gangster and a pirate and still be boring? Could you ever have too many Indianas Jones? Is there an ethnic group that wouldn't make Billy Zane their enpurpled god-king on sight?

Explore the deepest darkest jungles of these questions and more as our heroes,only the latest in a long line of Andrews and Anthonys, take on The Phantom!

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

An Epic For Our Time!

Welcome to No Time for Heroics!

Every Tuesday, we're going to look at a movie, television show, or some other example of the superhero genre attempted, adapted, and sometimes annihilated by a medium other than the one that birthed it; the humble comic book.

Are capes and cowls beyond the suspension of disbelief? Could Fantastic Four be unfilmable? Can't someone just give Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man a hug?

These are the questions we hope to answer! Maybe!